Here is a picture of the thing:
I actually own four of these tacky plastic pineapples. Unlike many I lust after, these are not ice buckets, and serve no purpose other than to piss me off by falling on my head when I try clean the cupboards (you can see where they reside in the background).
Despite their apparent suicidal jumps for freedom, I do love them. I paid nothing for them and they are four of my most favourite things I own.
I first discovered them hanging out in the window of River Island in Hartlepool, where I lived while I was studying. I’ve always loved anything tacky, trashy, kitschy and fun and was genuinely gutted they weren’t actually for sale. They were playing an important role in a tropical summer themed visual merchandisers dream, making the palm tree print trousers look even more ironically awful than they already did. I fell in love with them (the pineapples not the trousers) and dashed into the shop to ask them to save me them when they changed the window.
Now, when you don’t give a shit about what’s in the windows of these high street hell-holes.. they seem to change them every day, constantly barraging you with ALL THE NEW THINGS YOU MUST BUY!! But let me tell you, when you lust after four plastic pineapples that play an integral part to one of these tableaus.. they will suddenly NEVER change the window! It’s agony. And all you can do is pester the poor girls that work there into promising you they will swipe them before the window dresser takes them away.
Eventually, one day, I walked past and they weren’t there. The club tropicana theme was gone, apparently now ‘so last season’ and replaced with something that looked like someone threw up neon bacardi breezers at a rave. It was finally time to take my new babies home!
Just as promised they were saved for me, and I skipped home and merrily arranged them in my kitchen in a nice neat line. Since then they have moved to Newcastle, Huddersfield and Leeds with me, where they reside today. I don’t think I could ever get rid of them.
I used to want the full collection of official Britvic ice buckets (especially the pineapple), but now I am content with my cheap plastic fruity friends. Their complete lack of function makes them all the more endearing.
I have just written a whole heap of paragraphs about fake plastic fruit. I’m so sorry.